Every decision I make comes from a desire. My decision to stop drinking alcohol came from the desire to regain my vitality, to feel great, to live my best life. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. My life has included making some very difficult decisions-quitting drinking was definitely one. No longer being part of the boozing population is a huge adjustment. What we focus on, grows. I have focused on how much better I feel, and look, and sleep. And how much more productive I have become. My days off of late have included an incredible amount of creativity in the kitchen. I have had a blast making all sorts of delicious dishes, and my fridge is full!

My decision to leave each of my two long marriages after many years together, came from an overwhelming feeling of discomfort and unease, which grew unbearable over time. I had intense fear but also a powerful desire to find out who I was without a husband. Throughout these years of being single, I have learned to love who I am, to enjoy my own company. I feel settled, confident, trusting, grateful, peaceful, I experience immense joy being with myself. The journey to this place was not short or easy, but vastly rewarding. And now I am ready to welcome a new mate into my life, someone with whom I can share all the ups and downs of this adventure.

My decision to move to where I live now, back in Spring of 2016, also came from a desire – a desire to live in a beautiful place where I feel safe, comfortable, look out over rolling hills, surrounded by open space and beauty everywhere. A place where I have connection with others who are always there if I need something, just steps from my front door. I absolutely love where I live.

My professional life decisions have all come from instinct, intuition, feeling. Many times I have suppressed my feelings of discomfort because they were terribly inconvenient (I never imagined I would go through a divorce!) or the timing was wrong, or it just wasn’t the right thing to do at that time. Sometimes suppressing those feelings made me ill. I had a bout of very deep depression when I refused to admit my unhappiness in a relationship. Our spirit talks to us all the time, in all sorts of ways to get our attention. When we refuse to listen, when we continue to ignore our stresses and our pain, eventually she shakes us awake, sometimes violently.

A year ago, the decision was made to dissolve a 7 year business partnership that wasn’t working. I had always been the financial support for the substantial number of various business expenses, which had added up to amounts I could not longer defend in good conscience. I watched my savings dwindle to frightening lows. I know better than to place all the blame on my partner or on myself. I never fooled myself about our shortcomings. The lack of results we experienced was due to our mutual behaviors, equally divided between us; our learned habit of coming up with excuses for why things weren’t accomplished, our lack of accountability, follow through, organization, urgency – we just weren’t the right team to make the business profitable. I knew dissolving that partnership was necessary, and yet it took a good three years of feeling frustrated, deeply disappointed in both myself and our lack of actions as partners, along with the dread and fear of completely running out of money, before it actually happened. When it did happen, it wasn’t something I had yet summoned the courage to initiate. Fortunately, my partner realized dissolving the bond between us was the right thing for her as well as for the business. I still have huge hopes and dreams for my business, my creation, my baby- so I was lucky it evolved the way it did. Now I have full ownership of the business again. I will patiently await full clarity about the direction(s) I take before I make any big decisions. I am patient as I feel the excitement of being pulled in new directions with new ideas.

My recent job switch was based on a desire to feel valued, fulfilled, and part of a team, which was lacking in my recent year-long stint of employment. After almost exactly one month, I am quite pleased to say I made the right decision, despite the decrease in income. My new work life makes my heart sing. I am proud to be part of a team I admire, respect, and appreciate. I feel respected, highly valued, included, and influential. I love the fine art of service, and this position is all about service. I work every day with a woman I have known for many years, my employer, a woman I am honored to call my friend. I admire her talent, her abilities, her strength, her fortitude, and her straightforward communication. What a difference that makes!

My heart feels full every time I take the opportunity to share our mission with customers. I am a natural teacher, and I have opportunities to teach here. I also have lots of opportunities for growth. Patience is one area where my opportunity for growth is focused. Working with developmentally and intellectually challenged young adults, repeating instructions sometimes five or six times, needing to communicate slowly, clearly, carefully, and precisely, has been a good challenge for me. I feel myself growing as my heart expands when I get to witness their success. I know there are unlimited possibilities for me, for growing the business. We are actively spreading the word about who we are and what we do as a non-profit, communicating to surrounding populations about the amazing cuisine we offer. Recently we have received several five star reviews and customers tell us they love what we are doing. Witnessing that brings tears to my eyes. One day we will be able to again host amazing music concerts, celebrations, special events. That makes my heart sing. I wavered for a bit about my commitment to this employment as fear about paying my bills creeped in. I wondered if I needed to supplement my finances by taking on another job. I sat with the combination of those two fields of thought and realized one was based in fear, the other in love and happiness, trust, and confidence. You know the decision I made. I am very happy to have the clarity that brought me to knowing I belong here, that solid feeling in my gut that told me to stay, to grow here, to learn and expand and evolve, right here. I am proud of myself for my continued sobriety (168 days today!) and I am proud of being part of this wonderful business. Clarity brings so much peace!

Published by Judes

After working decades in Hospitality and businesses related to drinking, I am making the choice to become sober. Here are my musings on the adventure. Thank you for being here with me!

One thought on “Clarity

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